If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
