Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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