just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize