I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
