totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sext me about skeletons
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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