I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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