And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
