I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
