You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
