She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
