sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
A bitchslap is in order.
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