I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
