woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
