When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize