Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
