Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My pussy is not your playground.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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