dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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