I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
