Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
