nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
