You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
