I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
