I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
