I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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