omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
