A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
