I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
