I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
