she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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