Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
