she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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