If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize