and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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