Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
