when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
