I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
