Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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