mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
