How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
