I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
