I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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