are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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