i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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