Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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