you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize