I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
