i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
