Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
