Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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