I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
