Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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