And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
