You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
