I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize