So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
