Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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