dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
