i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
