sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
last night I used snow as a chaser
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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