So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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